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“Congratulations to the Champions...” (Fake) NHL GMs Salute Washington at the Draft

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With the 2018 NHL Draft coming up, we imagined how NHL GMs might congratulate the champion Washington Capitals, per tradition. Jason Rogers had ideas about eleven of them.

The 2018 NHL Entry Draft will be held at American Airlines Center in Dallas, Texas on Friday, June 22nd and Saturday, June 23rd.

The draft is a chance for every NHL franchise to level set, reset, or set themselves up for success in the coming seasons and hockey eons to come.

As is convention, each GM traditionally begins his speech by thanking the draft’s host city, and by congratulating that year’s Stanley Cup champions.

And it’s that last part that is particularly interesting, because WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, the Washington Capitals are the 2018 Stanley Cup Champions!

So, keeping this juicy bit of schadenfreude-cum-comeuppance in mind, what can we expect eleven of the NHL’s top GMs to have to say to the Capitals when the time comes to kiss the ring?

Glad you asked, because I took my best guess!

Vegas Golden Knights, GM George McPhee

2017 NHL Draft - Rounds 2-7 Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

I’d like to congratulate the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals. You look great tonight, baby. With your new jewelry and getting everybody’s attention....I guess you were willing to step on whoever it took to get there, huh? NOBODY’S fairy tale is as important as the Capitals’ fairy tale.....Of course, I knew the Capitals before the rings and the magazine covers and the Tonight Show. And I guess, I just....I thought that meant something to the Capitals, you know? But they STILL haven’t called. Well you know who DID call? Brooks Laich. Because he remembers those who were there for him. And he remembers those who gave him six-year contracts. Of course, he ended up trying to sell me a cruelty-free kale-and-kombucha smoothie and begged me to follow him on Instagram.......but, congrats to the freakin’ Caps. You look great, babes.

Chicago Blackhawks, GM Stan Bowman

2017 NHL Draft - Round One Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

I’d like to begin by offering my congratulations to the 2018 Stanley Cup Champion Washington Capitals. *laughs nervously* Boy....that blue line of yours sure cleaned up, didn’t it? *tugs handkerchief from coat pocket, dabs forehead vigorously* I just....I don’t know where you keep finding these defensemen, MacLellan... *pulls comically at shirt collar, venting literal steam* That Michal Kempny, he sure was something, huh? *poofs mercifully into nothingness*

Montreal Canadiens, GM Marc Bergevin

2015 NHL Draft - Round One Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Alors, bonsoir, cassez-vous, dégagez. Je voudrais commencer avec un grand, grand félicitations aux Washington Capitals, <<Les Misérables>> du LNH jusqu’à cette saison dernière. Félicitations et bienvenue, vous pauvres indigents. Où sont vos autres bijoux? Où sont vos autres trophées? Vous n’etes que la merde sous nos bottes.

*spits*

Et les Les Canadiens de Montréal annoncent que nous avons obtenu un véritablement grand sac de rondelles en échange du gardien Carey Price.

Nashville Predators, GM David Poile

2017 Hockey Hall Of Fame Induction - Red Carpet Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Hello, Dallas. Hello, hockey fans. Hello, Washington Capitals, the 2018 Stanley Cup champions. It’s been twenty-one years since Abe Pollin and Dick Patrick fired me as Capitals GM. Twenty-one long years. Do you know how many days that is? I do. It’s seven thousand seven hundred and twelve. Seven thousand seven hundred and twelve days since you fired me the summer before you made the Stanley Cup Final. Well, I’ve made a Stanley Cup Final too, you know. Just one, last year. In seven thousand seven hundred and twelve days here in Nashville. Oh, and Barry? Barry Trotz? Congratulations on your new job with the Islanders, but don’t expect your Hillshire Farms Summer Sampler package this year, bucko.

Philadelphia Flyers, GM Ron Hextall

2014 NHL Draft - Round 1 Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Okay, yeah, yeah, shut up already. Hello. Ron Hextall here. Congrats to the *bleep* Capitals, Stanley Cup champions. Welcome to the *bleep* club, boys and girls. You got one. Talk to me when you get two, am I right, Philly? Go Birds. No, but seriously, congrats on taking a big hulking goon like Tom Wilson and turning him into a top-line producer. If you got any more of that magic potion, send it on over and we’ll sprinkle it on Radko Gudas. Better yet, send the gallon jar with the pump for the big lug. Also, I want my money back for Michal Neuvirth! You didn’t tell me the groin muscles were sold seperately! Eyyy-o! Bada bing! *walks away and slashes the podium with a heretofore concealed goalie stick*

Pittsburgh Penguins, GM Jim Rutherford

2017 NHL Stanley Cup Final - Media Day Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Congratulations to the Washington Ca- *head explodes*

New Jersey Devils, GM Ray Shero

2012 NHL Entry Draft - Rounds 2-7 Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

I want to begin by congratulating Brian MacLellan and Washington. I know a slick operator when I see one, and Ol’ Mac the Knife over there is slicker ‘n’ spit on a greased pig. Fleecing ol’ Bald Bowman over there for Kempny? Loved it! Hell, you even pulled one over on me with Devante Smith-Pelly! Like, yikes, hey, buy me a drink first, buddy! I’m a pretty cool customer myself, y’know. You’re looking at the guy who got Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis for Colby Armstrong and some swamp land, if you know what I’m saying. I got James Neal and Matt Niskanen for Alex Goligoski and a rosary, for God’s sakes! So I guess, what I really want to say is, here, Mac. You’ve earned this. *hands him a well-worn copy of the Devil’s book*

New York Islanders, GM Lou Lamoriello

Edmonton Oilers v New Jersey Devils Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

I built the New Jersey Devils, I destroyed the New Jersey Devils! I built the Toronto Maple Leafs, I destroyed the Toronto Maple Leafs! You think I can’t do the same to you???

Toronto Maple Leafs, GM Kyle Dubas

Photo courtesy NHL.com

Detroit Red Wings, GM Ken Holland

2007 NHL Awards Show Photo by Dave Sandford/Getty Images

What an honor to be here at the NHL Draft, and to share the stage with the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals! Quite a trophy you’ve got there. In fact, it makes me Green with envy. It’s been ten long years I’ve won a Stanley Cup myself, and if I’m not careful with my words I might have to trade this mic. Do you hear me, Washington? Those should be your two takeaways from this. I’m willing to Trade this Mike, so Green with envy am I. Willing to trade Mike, Green with envy. Got it? Okay, good. Give me a call, and let’s play some Fifty-Two Pickup.

Ottawa Senators, GM Pierre Dorian

2016 NHL Draft - Round One Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

New phone, who dis?