Well, they finally did it.
They’ve exorcised their demons. They’ve slayed their imagined dragons. They’ve sent Sidney Crosby, Chris Kunitz, and Marc-Andre Fleury home early to play golf.
Somewhere, John Tortorella’s forehead vein throbs in despair.
But none of that matters to you, Caps fans. It doesn’t need to. Because your team are champions.
So let’s talk about the parade on Tuesday!
The Capitals announced on Friday that the victory parade will begin at 11AM ET, and will wind its way down Constitution Avenue from 17th Street, turn right in front of the National Archives on 7th Street NW, and will conclude at the National Mall in what is sure to be a.....ahem.....monumental party.
But, if you missed out on that sweet, sweet 500-to-1 Vegas betting action at the start of the season, you may be feeling a little glum. “Where’s my pay day?” you’re probably asking yourself.
Well, Mister or Missus Money Bags, have we got some good news for you!
We’re proud to present, fresh from our most-trusted and least-violent Vegas bookies, your 2018 Capitals Victory Parade Prop Bets!
Bet: First Player to Go Shirtless
Line: Andre Burakovsky -165
It’s become a victory parade staple: the jubilant doofus astride a double-decker bus, drunk with satisfaction and light beer, twirling a newly-removed shirt round his head, in the immortal words of Petey Pablo, “like a helicopter.”
And no jubilant doofus on this Capitals roster is more likely to heed the thirsty crowds’ exhortations to “Take It Off!” more than baby-faced adonis Andre Burakovsky.
Bet on ‘Dre to pull a Half Lady Godiva first. Bonus payouts if his shirt gets stuck.
Bet: First Player to Drink from the Stanley Cup
Line: Alex Ovechkin -200
Perhaps the single greatest thing about the Stanley Cup being, well, a giant silver cup, is that its worthy parishioners may literally place their lips to its gleaming rim and drink.
And while this bet is as close to a sure-thing as we’re going to get (hence the ungenerous betting line), it’s still smart money to place a U.S. legal tender C-note on the captain Alex Ovechkin drinking deep from a cup called Joy.
Also, from the Stanley Cup. Bonus payouts if the liquid is vodka, borscht, or anything stronger than Bud Light.
Bet: First Player to Catch, Keep an Offering from the Crowd
Line: Jay Beagle + 183
What do you do when hundreds of thousands of your closest friends and most zealous admirers hurl tokens of love at you from the pulsing throngs?
Well, I suppose it depends on the offering.
If you’re Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots, for example, and that token is a half-empty adult beverage, you catch it, chug it, and spike it like a football.
But we here at the Japers’ Rink Sports Book expect some more G-rated shenanigans in DC on Tuesday. Capitals forward Jay Beagle, the Goodest Boy on the Team, will probably get a lot of love. And if the long tradition of fans bringing their actual beagles to meet Beagle is any indication, Jay will probably have more than one opportunity to sign and/or hoist aloft a stuffed canine or two.
Bonus payouts if it’s an actual dog and he and Jay become lifelong friends.
Bet: First Player to Politely Decline an Overly Amorous Fan
Line: Tom Wilson -143
Capitals forward Tom Wilson is many things. A first-round draft pick. A realtor and landed homeowner in the collective psyches of Pittsburgh Penguins fans. A Stanley Cup hero. A heartthrob.
It’s that last one that makes this prop bet particularly interesting. It’s no secret that Wilson is one of the more “popular” Capitals players with fans who appreciate a good-lookin’ hunk of man. In the hormonal estrus cyclone that is a championship victory parade, the odds that a particularly fervent fan may take things too far increases exponentially.
So when the first player to glance pleadingly at security to remove an overly “friendly” fan is Tom Wilson, take it all the way to the bank.
Then, you know, help him.
Bet: First Player to Curse into a Live Microphone
Line: Evgeny Kuznetsov -192
Perhaps no Capitals player has a more charmingly bewildering habit of comically casual swearing than center Evgeny Kuznetsov.
Kuzy, who has lived in America and spoken English something approaching full-time for just four years now, has already established himself as one of the best locker room quotes in the NHL. Even if he sometimes accidentally plays a little blue.
Kuznetsov on Ovechkin’s 600th goal: “Holy f*ck, that’s a lot of goals.”
Kuznetsov on Nathan Walker’s postseason play: “He play unbelievable. That little motherf*cker.”
Players, untethered by the Puritan shackles of sobriety’s censorship, have a proud history of exuberant loose-lipped cursing at championship parades. Philadelphia Eagles lineman Jason Kelce comes to mind, another player from a long-suffering city doing little more than giving voice to the sentiments of many of its denizens.
Kuznetsov, already one of the most fun-loving players on the Capitals’ roster, drops F-bombs likes primary assists. The smart money is on the Bird Man.
Bonus payouts if the offending word is used to express his undying love for his teammates.
So there you have it, Caps fans.
Place your bets, post your collateral, and enjoy the hell out of this ride. The victory parade for the 2018 Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals is Tuesday.
See you there!