Good morning Washington, D.C., areas within the quarantine zone, and all those receiving this transmission! The Washington Capitals Hockey Club, LLC is building up quite the head of steam as the year 2015 runs out of track, collecting 13 out of a possible 14 points over their last seven games. Oh yes, it’s beginning to look a lot like Schmidtmas. Last week the Capitals went 1-0-1 for three points, and currently sit second in the Metropolitan Division.
The good guys will see some familiar faces this week as Mike Green and the Detroit Red Wings return to D.C., before swinging down to Florida, America’s Phallus™, to battle the Panthers and the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Caps learn that it’s better to give than receive, courtesy of Holtby Claus, in this week’s preview.
BRADEN’S SONG
It’s not that Braden Holtby is having a good season; he’s having a career season. He’s having a good year like NASA had a good year in 1969. Sometimes in hockey, the eye test tells you all you need to know. My girlfriend just walked by. I asked her, “Hey, you think Holtby is having a good season?” She said, “Uh, hell yeah.” The stats back her up.
So far, Holtby has amassed a .928 save percentage for the 2015-2016 campaign, meaning that if you shoot 1000 pucks at Braden Holtby in some sort of purpose-built goaltender coliseum, he will save all but 72. I don’t know if that sounds impressive or not, so I made this important Braden Holtby hockey chart.
As the Pac-Man clearly shows, that’s a tremendous proportion of shots being stopped. Holtby’s total career save percentage is .921, meaning he’s besting his norm by a full seven points this season. Holtby is quashing his opponents’ goals like a burnt-out guidance counselor.
And speaking of goals, Holtby is having a career year there, too: his goals against average (GAA) is below 2.00 for the first season in his career, and while that could change as time goes on, it really is a remarkable statistic. He is second only to Henrik Lundqvist in the league in quality starts percentage at .762, meaning that over three-quarters of the time, Holtby is turning in a start that gives the Capitals a real good chance to win, generally allowing two scores or fewer. Ol’ Two Goals Holts.
Winning being the fundamental impetus and raison d’etre of the general hockeying going on throughout the country, Holtby is locking it down where they count. At 16 wins, Braden leads the entire NHL, and with his next start reaches an impressive milestone, both for a young man trying to make a career, and a competitor trying to make a legacy.
Holtby to play 200th career NHL game. Ws through 1st 200: 1st. Holtby 117 (199 GP) Lindqvist 108 Rinne 105 Rask 104 https://t.co/aQUZi1oyII
— Sergey Kocharov (@SergeyKocharov) December 7, 2015
Over the Capitals’ last four games – three wins and an overtime loss – Holtby’s save percentage has skyrocketed, saving 131 of 139 shots for a .942% stretch that has been the rebar holding together the goopy, yet-uncured concrete that is the Caps’ defense.
HAPPY FESTIVUS
The holiday season is now in full-swing, and while this swing is stuffed not with an adorable little baby or a delightful YouTube pug, it does have plenty of gifts.
And whether your family presents its seasonal gifts round a conifer, a candelabara or nothing at all, truly the greatest gift of all is the Washington Capitals, n’est-ce pas?
Yes, the Caps are the gift that keeps on giving, like a golden goose or a drugs tree. Let’s take a look at which players probably give what round the solstice spruce in: Who Got Me This?
WHAT IS THIS: “Hoverboard”
WHAT’S ITS DEAL: Everybody you know is talking about these things, the most-hyped new toy in a while. The first videos after their arrival were flashy, amazing, and pretty darn cool. But after a few months, people are now realizing that maybe the future isn’t quite here just yet.
WHO GOT ME THIS: Andre Burakovsky
WHAT IS THIS: L.L. Bean slippers
WHAT’S ITS DEAL: Look, these slippers aren’t going to win any marketing awards. They don’t come with supermodels, dubstep or J.J. Watt’s endorsement. They aren’t that sexy, and they aren’t the first thing you’ll brag about in your closet. What they are, is the best damn slippers on the face of the earth – warm, soft, supportive, comfortable, and guaranteed for life, year in and year out. When your fish tank stilettos and icky Vibram frogtoes have gone the way of the phonograph and the Soviet Union, these slippers will still be there, quietly killin’ it.
WHO GOT ME THIS: Nicklas Backstrom
WHAT IS THIS: The new Adele album
WHAT’S ITS DEAL: Adele ballads are to the heart-organ what nails on a chalkboard are to the eardrum-organ. Forlorn, love-torn requiems to nostalgia and diminished affection, this album is one heart-gut-punch after another, sacrificed and set ablaze atop the altar of Yesterday. It will sell four and a half million copies and no one will ever want to hear it again after this year.
WHO GAVE ME THIS: Brooks Laich
And with that preview complete, we turn now to the segment that was waived by Montreal this week for being “enigmatic, ineffective and a bit stand-offish”…LIABLE TO LIBEL: A BAKER’S DOZEN LIES ABOUT THIS WEEK’S OPPONENTS!
1. Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Blashill freaked out and began screaming “WHO PUT A MONSTER ENERGY HAT ON THAT GIANT WALKING BICEP??” at practice but it was just Mike Green, confused just earlier that day for: a lifted pickup truck, a “that’s what she said joke” at a baby shower, and a man bun.
2. Rookie phenomenon Dylan Larkin has been taken under the wing of some of the team’s veterans, reportedly saying, “Wunderkind is great, but I’m going for wunderKindl.”
3. In a recent campaign speech, Donald Trump called his rhetorical tactics “Kronwallian,” admiring the defenseman for a game that the New York trustee-mogul-villain-aire said, “possesses all the subtleties of a Mack truck.”
4. In a proud Detroit tradition of throwing seven figure sums at aging infrastructure well past its Use-By date, the Red Wings are reportedly set to sign Alexander Semin.
5. Pixar originally planned it’s second feature film as a documentary about a Florida Panthers forward, before radically changing directions on the project “A Bjugstad‘s Life.”
6. Jaromir Jagr scored his first goal before the unfathomable gravity of the creation of heavens had forged the earth from naught but hydrogen and will, and he will still be scoring goals long after the heat-death of the universe.
7. It’s not that goaltender Roberto Luongo made himself a nuisance to get traded out of Vancouver, he simply thought his colorful and unpredictable behavior would make more sense printed under the headline, “Florida Man…”
8. Defenseman Brian Campbell has seen his average ice time drop to its lowest level in 10 years, so while his team surges, Campbell stews.
9. The Florida Panthers rank third in local attendence in Sunrise, Florida, behind the high school girl’s JV debate team and a dice game that happens Tuesdays and Thursdays behind Mickey’s.
10. Tampa Bay Lightning star Steven Stamkos has become so bored with scoring his goals, he’s now scoring YOUR goals, too. So send them in to him, he’ll make them happen. Reconciling with your father? Steven is there. Learning to speak Mandarin? Steven hui shuo zhong wen.
11. Gigantic 6’7″ goalie Ben Bishop is nicknamed “The Grocery Store,” because the net margins are razor thin.
12. On the other hand, diminutive 5’9″ center Tyler Johnson proves that little guys can be talented and successful, SALLY TURNER FROM 3RD GRADE MATH CLASS.
13. The Amalie Arena sound guy, Wagner, has specific instructions that when Filppula scores he is to play “Flight of the Valtteris.”
There you have it, Caps fans! Momentum is money and inertia is currency, so let’s hope the Capitals can keep the good things going this week and take back the division lead from New York. Have a good week, stay warm, and as always, Go Caps!