Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell, re-imagined for the 2013 Capitals:
Circle 1-- The Entitled: in this circle sit the legions of Red-Rockers who incessantly shout "Shoot the Effing Puck!", then sell their tickets to Penguins fans the first moment things turn South(east). They spend eternity alternating between standing in endless beer lines and watching their favorite players cut Figure 8’s across the ice.
Circle 2—The Enigmatic: Circle 2 is inhabited by world-class European players who pick and choose their moments to display said skills with less frequency than they accept Guest Bartender gigs. They spend eternity providing the entertainment for The Entitled in Circle 1.
Circle 3—The Soft: Unable to recover from lapses in judgment, their own laziness or opposing players running their goalies, the residents of Circle 3 will pass their time in the afterlife underneath a turtle shell, wrapped in Charmin and gumming stale nachos.
Circle 4—The Pollyannas: Convinced that everything is but "another film session" away from advancing on the summit, the Pollyannas will spend eternity behind their rose colored glasses, convinced that their glasses of vinegar will become lemonade tomorrow, and digging through that room full of shit trying to find a pony.
Circle 5—The Stubborn: The Stubborn refuse to believe that this is not 2009 and that opposing defenses have not yet figured them out. Tripping over the blue line, coughing up the puck and interfering with their own teammates, The Stubborn become their own gif’s, endlessly looping on the Jumbotron, flanked by fading SE Division Champion banners.
Circle 6--The Unrepentant: The Unrepentant appear, loss after loss, trotting out the same bromides, the same doleful looks, then opt to sit out the next day’s practice, citing the grind of the season. The Unrepentant will spend eternity watching tapes of Dale Hunter, Adam Oates and Calle Johannson practicing and writing infinity times, "Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance."
Circle 7—The Loyal to a Fault: The residents of this circle continue to populate KCI, VC and the blogosphere, convinced that this period, this game, this season will be the one that turns it all around. Their Hell looks no different than their mortal lives.
Circle 8-- The Wayward: The Wayward swap offense for defense, the Gabby for the taciturn, the Fleishman for the Hannan and end up exactly where they started. They will spend eternity circling the 400 level, watching windows close and looking for a Dippin’ Dots stand which has long gone the way of… The Dippin’ Dot.
Circle 9—Leonsisville—The Shortsighted: In this last circle of Capitals Hell, resides The Mayor of the Nation’s Hockey Capital, having mortgaged the future for a payoff, a playoff, that never arrived. He holds empty Cups in each hand, and in his mouth sit Messrs. Ovechkin, Jagr and Backstrom, naked, but for their codpieces of cash.