SI's Michael Farber Loves Him Some Hockey Haunches

by J.P. on Feb 22, 2010 10:00 PM EST

"Now Jagr, the 38-year-old Czech star, the best right wing in the world for virtually two decades, is not an easy fellow to knock down. He stands 6-foot-2. His weight is listed at 240 pounds. Of those 240, roughly 169 pounds are in his butt. He has a truly Kardashian booty, part of his colossal set of hockey haunches that set him apart from the rest of the hockey world. When former NHL defenseman Ken Daneyko was asked this week who was more difficult to knock off the puck, Jagr or Peter Forsberg, he didn't hesitate. "Jagr," he said. The reason, to paraphrase, was hindquarters." Sports Illustrated's Michael Farber

An ode to Jaromir Jagr's blessed backside. It almost ruins an article on "The Hit." Almost. But what it also does is reminds us of one of Michael Farber's favorite expressions (and an admittedly great one) - "hockey haunches."

Gilbert Perreault? He had "a swooping and powerful stride that came from his impossibly strong hockey haunches." Sidney Crosby? "[T]hick hockey haunches" at 18-years-old that developed into "great hockey haunches" a few years later.

And now Jaromir Jagr's "colossal set of hockey haunches" have been duly immortalized. So congrats to him, and to Farber for crafting a phrase that will have hockey fans everywhere waiting to see whose hockey haunches will next be so honored. Or not.

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I understand Farber likes ‘em round and big, and when he’s throwin’ a gig he just can’t help himself.

In addition, he acts like an animal when presenting his scandal

"I guarantee that we'll beat the Canadians." Ryan Kesler, 8/7/09

by Bald Pollack on Feb 22, 2010 10:04 PM EST reply actions 2 recs

Cosmo says Jaromir’s fat, but Farbs ain’t down with that.

Japers' Rink: Hockey blogging from the most powerful city in the world

by J.P. on Feb 22, 2010 10:08 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs

.

Killer_Carlson and Steckel Me Elmo are like brothers to me. And when I say brothers I don't mean like actual brothers. I mean it like how black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.

by Rob Parker on Feb 22, 2010 10:27 PM EST up reply actions 6 recs

No way … is it? Nah …

"Where can you go from there? Where? ... Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?"

by Christoph J on Feb 22, 2010 10:29 PM EST up reply actions

Man, do I love that pic. #15 is checkin’ out them hockey haunches, alright.

Japers' Rink: Hockey blogging from the most powerful city in the world

by J.P. on Feb 22, 2010 10:31 PM EST up reply actions

Haha

"Where can you go from there? Where? ... Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?"

by Christoph J on Feb 22, 2010 10:32 PM EST up reply actions

It sounds vaguely like a chain of fast food restaurants.

Bring the kids on down to Hockey Haunches and get a hothaunches happy meal today!

If you've read this far...seek help.

by ThePeerless on Feb 22, 2010 10:07 PM EST reply actions

I felt slightly dirty reading that.

Kung-fu Rink Rabbit
On Draper having to wear a USA jersey at practice: "well at least the Wings can settle bets without involving gold plated desert eagles!"

by RedBirdie on Feb 22, 2010 10:08 PM EST reply actions

Hockey Haunches…

Yeah, I think I rented that a few weeks ago.

Tic Tac Toe Hockey -- Original Caps Photography For Those With Significantly Compromised Standards
TTT Photo -- More Of The Same

by turnituptoeleven on Feb 22, 2010 10:10 PM EST reply actions

Frank: It was a million to one ~~shot~~ hit, Doc. Million to one.

by fnralch on Feb 22, 2010 10:16 PM EST reply actions

hereupon, farber shall forever be known as ASS MAN (all caps).

by Natty Bumppo on Feb 22, 2010 10:34 PM EST reply actions

I feel like the only reason you posted this was so you could make a tangential (but wondrous) Seinfeld reference.

"My face is my mask."

by Jake Shapiro on Feb 22, 2010 10:40 PM EST reply actions 2 recs

I haven’t haunch used that often, ever.

"I was thinking it would be cool to see a game on the road. I have been looking all over this atlas but I don't see Vancouver anywhere. What state is this sh*t in!?"

- Dallas Stars Forum

by eightyseven on Feb 22, 2010 11:22 PM EST reply actions

seen* =(

"I was thinking it would be cool to see a game on the road. I have been looking all over this atlas but I don't see Vancouver anywhere. What state is this sh*t in!?"

- Dallas Stars Forum

by eightyseven on Feb 22, 2010 11:22 PM EST up reply actions

Yeah, and he got dropped on his haunches. I mean, how great is that hit.
Just the symbolism alone. The dream DC star blows-up the nightmare.
Hopefully an omen of things ahead.
Just beautiful.

by marks4java on Feb 22, 2010 11:23 PM EST reply actions

I would just like to note that Farber has never, ever ~~objectified~~ written ~~in a mouth-breather-y way~~ about Ovechkin’s ~~haunches~~ ~~tenderloins~~ ass.

Now helping to keep an eye on all things Gr8 at Alex Ovetjkin.

by EmilyB on Feb 23, 2010 12:09 AM EST reply actions