The Worldwide Leader In Idiocy

[Ed. note: put the kids to bed before reading this post, as some of the language may not be suitable for younger readers.]

One of the great thing about being an unaffiliated blogger is that I can write things that the mainstream media or team-employed writers can't. For instance, you'll never see "Alexander Ovechkin has been scoring more than the sheep on 'Hurricanes fans drink free night' in Raleigh" appear on Tarik's blog. You'll never read "Steve Eminger couldn't punch his way out of a piss-soaked paper bag" on Vogel's blog. And there aren't too many places you'll read "Scott Burnside can go f..k himself."

But I can write it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just did (well, almost anyway).

For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Burnside's work, he was "a freelance writer based in Atlanta and is a frequent contributor to ESPN.com" (that starts him out with two strikes against him, doesn't it?) who now "is the NHL writer for ESPN.com." In his latest excremental article, he tackles franchise relocation in the NHL in light of today's news that the Penguins may not be long for Pittsburgh. In the interest of time, I'll skip straight to the "good" part which begins:

No one asked us, but if we were going to move an NHL team, there are a few we'd pick to relocate ahead of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

We? What, do you have a turd in your pocket, Scott? Be a man and assert that what follows are your own ideas. Either that or share the byline. Anyway, you can probably see where this is going. Sure enough, the first team that should pick up and move before the Pens are "forced" to?

Washington Capitals: Let's review. Fans in the nation's capital wouldn't come out when the Capitals boasted Jaromir Jagr, the game's most exciting player. Now, they won't come out when the Caps boast one of the hardest-working teams in the NHL and one of the game's most exciting figures in Alexander Ovechkin. Maybe that's a sign. We're just guessing, but we bet fans in Houston or Kansas City, or even Waterloo, Ontario, would appreciate Glen Hanlon's squad a whole lot more.

Where to begin... How about with the fact that when Jagr was in D.C. he was not the game's most exciting player, but rather a lazy, selfish, pouting baby? Or, more importantly, the fact that fans did come out to see Jagr anyway to the tune of 17,341 (92.9% capacity) average per night in Jagr's first relatively-unproductive season? And while attendance is poor right now, it's still better than four other teams in the League and only four spots behind his beloved Thrashers.

Speaking of the Thrashers, earlier in the article Burnside chides the Devils for drawing "an announced crowd of less than 11,000 with the high-flying Atlanta Thrashers in town." If he were to check some facts, though, he wouldn't have been surprised as the Thrashers are the second-worst drawing road team in the League. How about them apples, Scottie?

But let's look at this at a more basic level:

• Reason #1 that the Caps should not be relocated before the Penguins: they have an owner.
  
• Reason #2 that the Caps should not be relocated before the Penguins: they have an arena.

I could go on (for example, I'm sure fans in Houston or K.C. would love the Caps - I know I do - but as D.C. has the fourth-highest per capita personal income of any metropolitan area in the country, as opposed to Houston (31), Kansas City (60) and Pittsburgh (54), I'm not so sure any of those cities could support a team better than D.C. potentially can - and I believe will). The point is... well... I'm not sure what the point is other than providing a cathartic rant about a biased columnist's neglect of facts and common sense. But then again, being able to write something like that is one of the great things about being an unaffiliated blogger, isn't it?

[Thanks to the folks in this thread for some of the numbers and ideas.]